Laura Raul

Laura/Raúl: crónica de una afirmación

Num 13 | Fiera infancia

 

Ronaldo González Valdés.

Laura/Raúl. Como un hombre que soy (Université de Limoges-ediciones Lirio), es la historia de una decisión, de la afirmación de una persona más que de un cuerpo. Una historia con todas sus letras, en la que se cruzan los géneros de la crónica y el ensayo para alumbrar zonas de penumbras, poner al descubierto silencios estructurados en torno a asuntos que violentan estereotipos arraigados en nuestras convenciones sociales.

Laura se supo siempre hombre. Laura se convierte en Raúl. Y lo hace reivindicando a una persona más que buscando el transgénero físico de suyo. Ella se convierte en él a partir de ese convencimiento: el convencimiento de ser hombre.

Hay en su infancia una imposición doble: la del mundo adulto sobre la niñez, y la del estereotipo de lo femenino sobre la convicción profunda de ser otro. Infancia poblada por múltiples presencias que literalmente la arrinconan: un tipo de juguete (desde luego propio para niñas), la constante y reiterada invectiva: eres niña, juega con niñas, compórtate como niña. ¡A qué estudiar, consíguete un marido, dale hijos y que él te sostenga con tu familia!
La infancia de por sí no es tan edulcorada e ingenua como lo pregona el mainstream del caso (menos en el caso de Laura, hija mayor de una familia humilde que vive en la provincia de la provincia sonorense). A lo que se suma la carga en tanto primogénita y, lo más pesado, la carga de una convicción en principio difusa, y después día con día más clara: la de ser un hombre en el cuerpo de una mujer.

Y he aquí el relato de una estrategia que Laura/Raúl pone en juego a lo largo de su vida. Primero, la de pasar lo más desapercibida(o) posible buscando la compensación que la disciplina escolar y las buenas notas pueden ofrecer a su ocultamiento y a su casi nula sociabilidad; en un segundo momento, la transición, la conquista de espacios que le permitan refundar su persona en lugares en los que sus orígenes son desconocidos, acercándose a amistades que empiecen a orientar su desarrollo inmediato; y, en tercer término, la toma de decisión: asumirme, dirá Laura, “como el hombre que soy”.

La extraordinaria narración que Laura/Raúl pone ante nuestros ojos gracias a la pluma de Dominique Gay, pasa por múltiples planos, prácticas y discursos que entran en juego, unos más otros menos, dependiendo del momento, a lo largo del relato.

Está, desde luego, la familia. La asignación de un rol, sobre todo por parte de la madre: “Sí, pedí un juguete de los que a mí me gustaban. Entonces ella dijo (la mamá): ‘no, una muñeca’. Seguramente dije: ‘mejor un muñeco’, porque ese muñeco nunca lo utilice para jugar. Cuando jugaba con mis primas, siempre lo prestaba. En mis juegos, era el señor de la tienda que vendía cosas (…). Lo que sí me gustaba mucho, mucho, hacer con ese muñeco, era vestirlo (…) siento que ese muñeco era yo. Era yo. Como me quería vestir, como quería ser, como quería que me tratarán” (pp. 35-36).

Está, desde luego, el estereotipo propio (y apropiado) de la mujer. Así, ya en el segundo momento de su estrategia, con una compañera de la universidad, “a quien yo le confié esto –cuenta Laura/Raul. Después, cuando ya tuve valor para: ‘bueno, ahora sí ya me siento fuerte, ahora sí ya quiero ir recuperando las amistades que pueda, ¿no? Le dije que quería hacer este cambio. Entonces, me dijo: ‘pues, para mí, siempre vas a seguir siendo así (siempre serás mujer)’”.

Está la biología ligada con lo social: “También en la parte fisiológica. Cuando las primeras reglas, fue algo muy traumático (…). De saber que era algo que les pasaba a las niñas y no me sentía niña. Y tenía que pasar eso en mi cuerpo, porque era algo que les pasaba a las niñas y no me sentía niña” (p. 42). Y enseguida: “La otra fue cuando cumplí quince años (…). Lejos de ser para mí algo muy bonito, era un sacrificio (…). Todo lo que para otros eran fiestas importantes, para mí era algo que no quería celebrar” (p. 43).

La propia religión, con el reacomodo de su relación con Dios, después del episodio con una amiga en la universidad: “No podía platicar con nadie de esto. Me inventé de amigo a Dios. Platicaba conmigo mismo, si quieres, a solas, pero eran cosas que decía, que quería. Pero en ese tiempo la religión católica que a mí me inculcaron, pues… ¿Cómo vas a ser homosexual? (…). Ella (la amiga) me dio una nota (me veía tal vez mal) y ella concluía con una frase de San Francisco de Asís. Esa que dice: ‘Señor dame (…) la serenidad para aceptar las cosas que yo no puedo cambiar, la fuerza para cambiar las cosas que sí se pueden y la sabiduría para encontrar la diferencia’”. Y su interpretación (de Laura/Raúl): “Hay cosas que no puedo cambiar (tener hijos biológicos, la estatura…). Entonces así tengo que aceptarlas. Las que sí puedo cambiar: soy dueño de mi cuerpo. Yo decido de mi cuerpo. Mientras no le haga daño a los demás, puedo cambiar de identidad, cambiar mis documentos. Nadie me lo puede evitar (…). Yo dije: bueno, si Dios me lo está diciendo, me está dando las herramientas para cambiar mi nombre, para cambiar mi identidad, y hay otras cosas que me está poniendo límites hasta dónde puedes llegar” (pp. 60-61).

Hay, sin embargo, en el arduo periplo de Laura/Raúl, dos puntos de arribo que, me parece, tienen que quedar muy claros:

1. La vindicación de la persona más que del cuerpo: “Pero no me he realizado la cirugía para tener un pene (…) lo que pretendo es existir como hombre, vivir” (pp. 107-108). Ir más allá de la prescripción convencional y apropiarte de ti plenamente. Así, a propósito de su relación amorosa más significativa, señala, refiriéndose a su expareja: “para ti la relación física es una relación de dos mujeres, pero hay algo más y creo que… En mí, y creo que también en ella… cuando se siente algo por una persona, creo yo, el cuerpo sale sobrando. Yo sigo sintiendo lo mismo por ella y ya no estoy con ella, no vivo con ella”. (p. 151). Y en otra parte del relato: “Yo pensaba, cuando ya logré la transición; ahorita, por ejemplo, si no tuviera que presentarme, lo he pensado, ¿no?, y tendría que señalar mi credencial y diría este soy yo, este soy yo. Ya no tienen por qué llamarme Laura (…). Antes, ellos podían ganar. Ahora, si quisiera humillarlos, fuera y les dijera: ‘miren, este soy yo’. Pero no me interesa. Quiero solamente vivir mi vida” (p. 68).

2. Hay un sentido, casi diría que con un regusto sartreano, de la responsabilidad: “Creo –dice Laura/Raúl- que la sociedad no está lista y es comprensible porque es algo también complejo. Es algo… a lo mejor podrían pensar sobrenatural, ¿no? Pero es real. Es real, existe. Porque existimos así algunos, muchos (…). Es algo que está allí. Creo que la sociedad, poco a poco, va a entender”. (pp. 158-159). Precisamente para contribuir a ello, afirma Laura/Raúl: “En cierta forma, me siento un poquito así, como responsable de estar viviendo esta condición y no poder aportar algo, dejar algo más. Para mí, es muy importante que se conozca mi caso, que se conozca la condición y que otras personas, así como yo pude haber tenido ejemplo de otros (…). Tal vez conocer, pero entonces hay ese tipo de compromiso. Siento en mi vida que hay cosas que otra persona esté viviendo algo parecido a mí y que no tenga esto que ya viví y que le pueda servir” (p. 72).

Una auténtica experiencia de vida que se despliega en la tenacidad por apropiarse de sí. Romper la lógica de lo binario que con sus distinciones básicas, entre ellas la de hombre-mujer, genera identidades rígidas y negadoras de lo otro, de lo diferente y lo diverso.

De eso va esta historia que es también, en más de un sentido, una lección, un echar luz sobre aquello que se inhibe, que se descalifica, que se silencia como lo que-no-puede-existir, lo que se asume como lo no-concebible y lo impensable. Acá, con testimonios como el de Laura/Raúl y el estudio de académicas como Dominique Gay Silvestre, aparecen estas realidades, emergen de su silencio, se hacen de voz y son reivindicadas por sus propios protagonistas.

Written by Jorge.Limon

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